Itching for Change

I am so freaking itchy. I have bug bites all up my legs, arms, and feet. I am doped up on Benadryl every night just so I can manage to get some sleep. I have rubbed my skin with so many chemicals to prevent any bugs from coming near me. But my physical body is not the only thing itching; so is my soul.

Something needs to change. I am frustrated with this program, with the administration, with the way things are organized. I am tired of my friends being screwed over by the inconsistencies of the administration in providing the help they are supposed to. No one is happy here anymore. Everyone wants to go home. Who am I trying to be positive for? I want to be in Senegal and learn more about this place through my eyes, but not through the guidance of this program.

I am still disappointed from the trip in Morocco and what the program could have done more. I am tired of this constant feeling of isolation by being the only Jewish person not only on this program, but within miles of Dakar. I have no motivation to do any work for this program because of how disappointed it has left me. I am tired of seeing my other friends' pictures from abroad and seeing how they're eating well, living well, and taking these incredible adventures at their disposal (but again social media is just a facade). I am tired.

What can I change? I am not going to change this program, I am not going to change the past. I am not going to change my situation in being isolated. I knew coming into this program that there were going to be challenges, I guess I just didn't realize how many there would be. It just seemed like things were going so well in the beginning, but I guess as they say, "shit's going to hit the fan at some point."

I have been forgetting why I wanted to come here. Why I wanted to have this experience where I knew I would be incredibly challenged, both physically and mentally. I fought so hard for my parents to let me go abroad, specifically to Senegal and not a European country, and to trust that I would be okay. However, now it's hard to remember why I was fighting. What was I fighting for? Before I embarked on this journey, my therapist told me to write a list of reasons I wanted to go abroad for a semester so that whenever I needed a motivation, or a reminder of why I wanted to do this, I had this list to refer back to.

I looked at the list. It only had four items on it: to gain a new perspective, to learn from people who are different from me, to get a break from a semester at a traditional college, and to discover new things about myself. All these items seem pretty good, and I feel like I have achieved all of them thus far. So what is there to be unhappy about? I have checked off all the items on my list. I only have about one month left, so just make do with what you have and remember that you finished the list!

No. Why the hell should I limit myself to one meager list with just four items on it? Why should I limit my experience here to only positive things? Wouldn't that just be perpetuating the problem I've been learning about; our tendencies to romanticize countries, and more specifically to romanticize Africa? Any reality is filled with ups and downs, successes and failures, achievements and challenges. Even before coming here I referred to this semester as a journey; not a trip with fun activities where I could be a tourist, not a program where everything has a time and place and is scheduled in, not a semester at college where I would only be studying, engaging in the same activities I have done for the past two and a half years.

No, this is a journey. By definition a journey is constant; it does not stop when things get too difficult, when we have things to complain about, when it doesn't seem like there's anything worth moving forward for. What the "worth-it" moments are on a journey, the ones we look back on, are those times when things were just so hard and we had to scrounge up some reason for continuing on. When we had to find some light amidst all the darkness, when we didn't give into that want to give-up. Those are the moments that make us stronger, that show us the kind of people we can be.

Yes, I miss all my favorite foods, people, and comforts I am used to. I really do. But I'm not ready to go back. I still have more to learn about myself, about Senegal, about life. Of course this all won't be accomplished in one more month. It will take more traveling, more trips back to Senegal, more trips to other African countries, more trips around the world. I can't limit my life to one bubble, as comfortable as that bubble may be.

I need to realize all that I have to be thankful for here: a welcoming host family, a great cohort of people on this program who teach me new things every day, and a great country that I have more and more to discover. What needs to change is my mindset. I need to open my mind to these challenges and let them color my experience positive instead of negative.

Yes, I'm itchy, but I have an incredible roommate, Houreidja, who so kindly gave me her hydrocortisone cream.

Yes, I'm tired, but there is this incredible drink called Cafe Touba which gives me that boost of energy I need.

Yes, I'm isolated, but I also am planning on going to the Israeli Embassy for Passover with my friend Harriet, who is not Jewish, but so kindly agreed to accompany me.

The program is what it is. I'm not going to change it, but I can change how it affects me.

I'm itching for change, but that change needs to come from within.